Forgiveness, Bold Faith, and the Cup I Keep Picking Back Up

I need to confess something before you read another word:

I’m still not sure I truly understand what real forgiveness looks like in my own life.

I talk a lot about bold faith.

About stepping outside your comfort zone.

About the “God said, send it” life.

I believe in it.

I teach on it.

I preach it.

But I still wrestle with forgiveness and what it means.

A Question I Wasn’t Ready For

I was at Dinner Church when a a young girl asked me a question that felt real.

She was hurting. And she wanted to know if forgiveness means you have to let someone back in. If forgiving means pretending nothing ever happened. If forgiving means choosing pain again.

I didn’t give her a clean answer.

I told her about my dad.

About prison.

About betrayal.

About trying to forgive someone while still learning what forgiveness even means.

And in that moment, I realized something uncomfortable:

I didn’t feel like the expert. I felt like a student.

The Cup I Keep Handing to God… And Then Taking Back

I shared with her the only way I currently know how to describe forgiveness.

I picture it like a cup.

When someone hurts you, it’s like they pour something bitter into it. Anger, grief, disappointment, betrayal. And every time I choose to forgive, I picture myself handing that cup to God and saying, “I don’t want to carry this anymore.”

But here’s the part I don’t like admitting.

Sometimes… I take the cup back.

And when I do, I often feel like I’ve failed.

Because in the back of my mind, I believe this lie:

“If I truly forgave them, this wouldn’t still affect me.”

So when the memory resurfaces…

When the emotion comes back…

When the wound still stings…

I start questioning whether my forgiveness was ever real.

That’s a battle I am still actively fighting.

The Question I Asked, And the Lie It Exposed

I was the one who asked the question.

I looked at a friend one day and said:

“Did I really forgive him?”

Without hesitation, he connected that question to the serpent in the garden with Eve.

The enemy didn’t start with force.

He started with doubt.

“Did God really say…?”

And suddenly, my question sounded different.

Because “Did I really forgive him?” didn’t feel like a healthy reflection anymore.

It felt like the same ancient tactic:

To make me question what God has already done in my heart.

To create uncertainty where surrender already happened.

To make me doubt the freedom I already handed over.

That hit me hard.

Because maybe the resurfacing of pain doesn’t mean I failed.

Maybe it means I’m in a fight.

Bold Faith Isn’t Just About Big Stages, It’s About unshakeable Obedience

We talk about bold faith like it’s missions trips, public speaking, and taking big leaps.

But forgiveness?

Forgiveness is one of the boldest things I think a person can do.

Because it risks:

• Your sense of justice

• Your emotional safety

• Your control

• Your right to stay guarded

Forgiveness doesn’t feel heroic.

It feels vulnerable.

And when you forgive in a way that doesn’t make sense to the world, people notice. They ask questions. They scratch their heads.

Not for your clout.

But for God’s.

Jesus Forgave in a Way That Still Doesn’t Make Sense

The more I sit in this, the more I realize why Jesus’ forgiveness shook the world.

He forgave people who were actively destroying Him.

He forgave people who never apologized.

He forgave people who didn’t deserve it by human standards.

He forgave you and I and took on Sin!

And we’re still talking about it today.

If I’m honest… sometimes I don’t want to forgive like Jesus did.

Because His kind of forgiveness doesn’t feel safe.

It’s not controlled.

It’s not deserved.

And yet, it’s the very thing that changed everything.

When we forgive in a way that feels unnatural, undeserved, and uncomfortable, we reflect a love that doesn’t come from us.

It points straight back to Him.

I’m Trying to Be Humble Enough to Admit This

I don’t fully understand forgiveness yet.

I’m still learning what it looks like to:

Hand the cup over

Not grab it back

Stop measuring my forgiveness by my emotional reactions

I am still trying to figure out what true forgiveness actually looks like in real life, not just in sermons and posts.

And maybe that’s exactly where some of you are too.

This Is Me Inviting You Into the Conversation

I didn’t write this because I have the answer.

I wrote this because I’m still searching for it.

If you’ve ever:

Felt like you forgave, but the hurt came back

Wondered if your forgiveness was “real enough”

Struggled with where boundaries and forgiveness meet

You’re not alone.

And honestly… I’d rather wrestle with this out loud than pretend I have it mastered.

Final Thought

Bold faith isn’t just jumping.

Sometimes it’s releasing.

Sometimes it’s forgiving.

Sometimes it’s handing the cup back to God for the hundredth time and saying,

“Here. I’m trying again.”